Aurora Mayor Mike Coffman has apparently appointed himself Water-Karen-in-Chief, patrolling school zones like a drought-crazed HOA president hunting for suspiciously healthy Kentucky bluegrass.
His evidence against Aurora Public Schools? The lawns looked “very green.”
That’s it. Not a published violation notice. Not a stack of unpaid fines. Not a confirmed finding from Aurora Water. Coffman drove past Rangeview High School and several other campuses, saw grass that had failed to resemble scorched carpet, and decided somebody must be running an underground irrigation cartel. fileciteturn0file0
Now he wants outdoor water service shut off unless APS commits to compliance.
What the actual fuck?
Aurora is under Stage I drought restrictions, and the rules should absolutely apply to public schools. Residents and businesses are being told to cut outdoor use, obey watering schedules and accept brown lawns as Colorado’s newest municipal landscaping aesthetic. If APS is secretly maintaining taxpayer-funded emerald fairways while everybody else’s yard looks like shredded wheat, roast their asses, fine them and make them explain it.
But government enforcement is supposed to involve facts, process and receipts—not Mayor Sherlock staring through a windshield and declaring, “That grass is too alive.”
APS says it has coordinated with Aurora Water, reduced water consumption by 20 percent, waters only two days each week and has received no fines. Coffman says the lawns look guilty and wants the irrigation shut down. Aurora Water, according to the available report, had not publicly explained whether APS had actually violated the restrictions.
That is not public confidence. That is three branches of local bureaucracy standing around a sprinkler head yelling different shit.
Aurora’s stated enforcement ladder goes warning, fine, larger fine and then potentially shutoff. Reasonable enough. But Coffman appears ready to pole-vault over the boring evidence-gathering portion because Rangeview’s grass did not look sufficiently miserable compared with his own.
That is how Colorado water policy becomes neighborhood snitch theater with municipal letterhead.
Residents deserve equal enforcement. Schools do not get a magical exemption because children occasionally stand near the turf. But City Hall does not get to threaten service cutoffs based on drive-by lawn forensics and a Facebook post either.
Water restrictions are serious because Colorado’s drought reality is serious. That is exactly why the rules cannot be enforced like an HOA board meeting after three boxes of wine.
Either APS violated the restrictions or it didn’t. Aurora Water should say what happened, document it and enforce the same penalty schedule it uses on everyone else.
Until then, “the lawn looked very green” is not a case.
It is one pissed-off mayor screaming at grass.
Source: The Denver Gazette
Just Stop It
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