NEDERLAND — In a decisive blow against public sanitation, unknown patriots reportedly set two porta-potties and a nearby tree on fire at Chipeta Park early April 8, forcing multiple fire districts and the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office to confront what experts are calling “a bold new merger of vandalism, performance art, and mountain-town civic engagement.” The real incident, according to FOX 31 KDVR’s report, happened around 2:28 a.m., when crews arrived to find the toilets and tree burning and stopped the fire from spreading.
Officials said the evidence now suggests arson, which in Nederland apparently means somebody looked at two plastic shit boxes in a park and decided the only honest public comment left was fire.
The Nederland Fire Protection District, Sugarloaf Fire Protection District, Timberline Fire Protection District, Boulder County Sheriff’s Office, and later the Colorado Department of Fire Prevention and Control all got pulled into the case, marking one of the few times in recent memory that this many agencies were assembled to investigate a crime whose central message appears to be, “enough with the porta-potties.”
“This was a serious and coordinated attack on temporary restroom infrastructure,” said a regional public-safety source who asked not to be identified because even saying that sentence out loud made him hate himself. “When you torch two porta-potties and a tree, you’re not just committing arson. You’re challenging the very idea that rural Colorado should be held together with plastic walls, blue chemicals, and crossed fingers.”
Witnesses did not immediately come forward, likely because it was 2:28 in the goddamn morning and because nobody wants to be the first person in Boulder County to explain they have detailed knowledge of an incendiary porta-potty operation.
Still, the response was swift. Firefighters prevented the blaze from spreading to nearby combustible fuel, which is local-government language for “we almost had a much dumber story.” Mutual aid was called in, then canceled, suggesting authorities briefly feared the attack could expand into a broader anti-latrine insurgency before realizing the suspects had already made their point.
“This kind of escalation is troubling,” said one consultant close to the investigation. “First it’s two burning porta-potties. Next thing you know, residents are demanding permanent infrastructure, competent planning, and public spaces that don’t feel like they were assembled by a festival promoter with a head injury.”
Authorities are asking anyone with information to contact Fire Marshal Joslin, which means Colorado has officially entered the phase of governance where citizens are now being asked to snitch over a flaming toilet manifesto.
In the meantime, the tree is expected to make a full recovery, while the porta-potties will be remembered as they lived: on fire in spirit long before they caught fire in fact.
Source: FOX 31 KDVR
Just Stop It
Add comment