Colorado’s political class officially entered primary season this week, beginning the sacred statewide ritual in which dozens of people who helped make Colorado expensive, crowded, slow, weird, unsafe, overregulated, underbuilt, and somehow still smug ask voters for a promotion.
The Denver Gazette reported that candidates are now squaring off across statewide and congressional primaries, with open races for governor, attorney general, secretary of state, and treasurer as term-limited Democrats prepare to vacate the offices their party has controlled while the state became a luxury obstacle course with fentanyl and traffic.
Officials said the primary calendar will give Colorado’s Great Suburban Normie several months to ignore everything before awakening in October inside a terrifying fog of TV ads, mailers, yard signs, and one unavoidable radio spot accusing a school board candidate of personally murdering democracy.
“This is a robust democratic process,” said one consultant close to three campaigns and one invoice. “By that we mean voters will be asked to choose between people they don’t know, people they vaguely dislike, and people who have been in public office since the Broncos were good.”
The primary field includes Democrats fighting over who gets to inherit the state they insist is thriving, Republicans fighting over who gets to explain that it is not, and unaffiliated voters receiving both ballots under Colorado’s semi-open primary system so they can briefly feel powerful before throwing one away and returning to Costco.
Statewide Democrats are facing major internal contests, including Michael Bennet and Phil Weiser running for governor, John Hickenlooper defending his U.S. Senate seat, and a crowded attorney general primary featuring several candidates eager to prove they can enforce the laws Colorado still remembers having.
Republicans, meanwhile, are trying to convince voters that after nearly eight years of one-party Democratic control, perhaps the people who did not create the current mess should be allowed to touch the steering wheel before the car finishes merging into a porta-potty fire on I-25.
“We understand voters are frustrated by affordability, crime, homelessness, congestion, taxes, fees, schools, housing, roads, energy costs, and the general feeling that Colorado has been run by a Boulder nonprofit trapped inside a DMV,” said a fictional GOP strategist. “Our message is simple: maybe stop rewarding the arsonists with new matches.”
Democratic operatives pushed back, arguing that Colorado’s problems are complex, national, local, structural, historic, climate-related, market-driven, inequitable, underfunded, overstudied, and absolutely nobody’s fault who currently holds office.
By June, primary ballots will begin hitting mailboxes, where many will sit under a pizza coupon until voters remember that primaries are where the general election gets quietly rigged by the only people paying attention.
By October, the normies will wake up.
By November, they may even vote different.
Source: The Denver Gazette
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