Colorado Education Plan Would Send TABOR Refunds to Schools, Then Somewhere Else

Colorado lawmakers unveiled a new education funding plan this week that would protect children by taking thousands of dollars from taxpayers, sending about a quarter of it to schools, and lovingly placing the rest into a giant legislative junk drawer marked “For The Kids Or Whatever.”

According to a nonpartisan analysis reported by The Denver Gazette, the proposal could cost each Colorado taxpayer $7,381 in TABOR refunds over 10 years, while only about 24% of the redirected money would go to K-12 education. The remaining billions would flow into the general fund, where lawmakers could spend it with the kind of disciplined restraint usually associated with a toddler loose in Costco.

Officials stressed the measure is not a tax increase, because voters would merely be asked to surrender future refunds so the state can keep more money and spend it. In Colorado budget language, this is known as “not raising taxes,” provided nobody makes eye contact with the money.

“This is about investing in education,” said one Capitol source, carefully standing between reporters and the $28.5 billion general fund pile. “And by education, we mean the broader educational experience of watching lawmakers explain why your refund disappeared into a committee room.”

The measure, Senate Bill 135, would raise the state’s TABOR cap by the amount Colorado spends on K-12 education. Supporters say schools need protection from future cuts, while critics note the proposal appears to protect schools by building a much larger bucket and then not requiring most of the bucket to go to schools.

Sen. Jeff Bridges argued the state faces painful budget choices without the measure, including hits to K-12, Medicaid, human services, food banks, higher education, and other programs lawmakers discovered after spending years building a budget that now requires a hostage note.

To address concerns, Bridges reportedly said the “Excess Revenues Account” would be renamed to something more child-friendly, though the name would not specify how the money is actually used. Early options include “The Children’s Mystery Fund,” “Tiny Smiles General Slush Account,” and “Please Stop Asking Where The Other 75 Percent Went.”

“We believe transparency is critical,” said a fictional legislative branding consultant polishing a lanyard. “That’s why the account name will clearly indicate that children exist somewhere in the policy environment.”

Republicans, meanwhile, warned the higher cap could also create room for lawmakers to increase fees by billions more, which Democrats would continue not calling taxes because the word “fee” comes with better lighting and fewer pitchforks.

By Friday, the Senate was expected to debate whether Coloradans should vote to fund schools, mostly by not funding schools, through a refund surrender program advertised as education spending but designed like a Capitol plumbing job: one pipe to classrooms, three pipes to whatever the hell happens next.

The children, officials confirmed, will be somewhere near the brochure.

Source: The Denver Gazette