With three weeks left in session, Colorado Democrats unveiled a bold new plan to stop authoritarianism by making sure the only people who get sued are the ones already trapped here with us.
The bill is called the “No Kings Act,” which in Colorado apparently means opening state court to civil rights lawsuits against public officials at every level of government, then immediately admitting the federal officials everyone is mad about will almost certainly never be the ones paying for it. The measure is aimed “primarily” at federal actors, lawmakers said, in the same way a leaf blower is aimed primarily at the moon.
Supporters say the point is simple: if your constitutional rights get trampled, you should have a remedy. Critics say the actual remedy will be years of litigation against state and local employees, with taxpayers picking up the tab while the feds stroll off under the Supremacy Clause whistling “God Bless America” through a cloud of qualified immunity.
“This is an important step toward holding powerful people accountable,” said one legislative source who asked not to be named because accountability remains mostly theoretical. “Unfortunately, due to several annoying features of the United States Constitution, the powerful people will still be fine, but a school librarian, county clerk, or whichever bastard signed the wrong form could have an exciting new relationship with civil court.”
That is the beauty of Colorado governance: every bill now comes with a mission statement, a moral performance, and a hidden invoice. In this case, sponsors say they had to include state and local officials because they could not legally target federal employees alone, which is a little like announcing a statewide wolf-eradication program and then explaining it mostly applies to golden retrievers, substitute teachers, and the guy at Parks and Wildlife who answers email too slowly.
Opponents warned the bill could trigger a flood of lawsuits against everyone from the governor and attorney general to public health officials and teachers. Which, to be fair, is one way to prove Colorado still believes in equal treatment under the law: if Washington keeps acting like royalty, Denver can at least make sure the peasants get deposed first.
“We wanted a bill that told voters we are standing up to abuses of power,” said a fake policy consultant adjusting his little Capitol lanyard like it conferred medieval rank. “Whether it actually punishes the people committing those abuses was never the point. The point was to pass something with a title that sounds great on a protest sign and terrifying in municipal HR.”
By late Tuesday, officials confirmed the state had once again found the perfect Colorado compromise between grand moral theater and practical self-harm.
No kings, just lawsuits.
Source: CBS Colorado
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